vacillating self love

i am disturbed by the insinuation that self-love

is resolute

that it is a destination

that once you have arrived, there can be no reversals,

no oscillations

no moments of doubt.

an infallibility of sorts.

somehow, momentary, sometimes cyclical, lapses into

grief

the moments where you might

crouch in the depths of the toilet bowl

stuff your body

cry at tipping the scale

pinch

cut

burn

or suffocate

.

then you have failed.

betraying body-positivity

failing the self-love revolution

 

babes, throw that whole notion away

 

our healing “comes in waves” some days
“the wave hits the rocks
and that’s okay,
that’s okay, darling
you are still healing”[1]

its okay to vacillate,

to be in despair one day

and in love the next

the moments of doubt, do not detract from the journey

just as you’ve lost the will to breathe

you can wake tomorrow

and be filled with life.

be patient with yourself

you are not beholden to the unrealistic expectations

of those who’ve never lived in your skin

oscillate if you must.

 

 

[1] ‘be gentle with yourself’, Ijeoma Umebinyuo

 

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